Tips From a Pleasure Dom

What’s a Pleasure Dom? It’s a style of dominance where the primary focus it to pleasure your partner. In return the Pleasure Dom gets a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment from providing these pleasurable experiences.

I was developing this talent in my life and relationships long before I knew it was a kink. By “before” I mean for about the past 30 years. How do I know I’m getting it right? Well, it’s taken me a while to own that but the primary motivation in owning it is what partners have told me for a very long time.

Imagine how encouraging it was when I found out it’s an actual thing and that it fits in somewhere and I can actually be proud about it.

Since I’ve been around the block on my bike a time or two, and giving knowledge to others doesn’t take anything away from me, I thought I’d do some sharing.

Today’s tip: “She Comes First”

Yes, it’s the title of a popular book but it’s also a mindset that you will have to unyieldingly adopt if you want to bring real pleasure to your partner. Now when I say “she”, it could be he or they or them or any other pronoun that fits your sitch. The point is, if you’re going to give pleasure and you want to add this giving dimension to your relationship “She comes first” you come last or possibly NOT AT ALL, while you’re learning this.

If you’re thinking, “She tells me she has a hard time coming. It’s just our dynamic and we’re both good with it. She likes what we have.” Yeah… well that’s like saying, “Cheese pizza! I love cheese pizza. There’s nothing better than cheese pizza!” Oh yeah? What about pizza with toppings?

If you’ve fallen into this rut, maybe it’s time to turn off the TV, have a real conversation and ask if he/she/they are REALLY good with the rut or if your partner is just trying to keep the peace or make you feel okay about your level of performance.

Here are some steps to help you with this conversation:

Set aside some uninterruptible time in an uninterruptible place.

Tell your partner you really want to know if the fact that they are not getting pleasure or not getting it often is still okay.

Assure them that you are just going to listen with empathy and curiosity.

Then listen with empathy and curiosity.

What does listening with empathy and curiosity look like?

• It looks like you listening.

• It feels like you getting triggered

• Then it’s you resisting saying anything based on your trigger but continuing to listen

• If the trigger is just too triggery, then you should take out a pen and paper and start making notes and,

• Shut the f*ck up and keep listening.

• The only thing you should say it something likel, “Okay, please tell me more about that”.

Then when your partner is done talking, you can start to ask more questions based on what you wrote down.

What you’re not allowed to do is start any statement by saying, “You…”. Nope, because the rest of that sentence will be an accusation based on the trigger you felt a few minutes ago.

This is called offering your partner a safe haven in which to express their concerns and it’s sexy as hell when you get it right. It also fosters a level of trust you never dreamed possible.

Now that you know how your partner really feels, it’s time to take what you learned about what they want, and go into the sexual laboratory and practice.

That’s for the next tip, so stay tuned for more.